My partner is in the US Air Force. As many people around the world know; this means that there will be inevitable goodbyes. But these goodbyes aren’t completely unknown to me. For just over 2 years now we have said goodbye and had our hearts shatter four times: July 2016, December 2016, April 2017 and July 2017. On the 7th of August I returned home to England and a day later my partner left for his BMT training in Texas; this made our last goodbye the hardest and the most devastating. By hard I mean impossible and by devastating I mean absolutely destructive on my emotions. This is me, I suppose, trying to distract myself from having not been able to message him, hear his voice or see his face and will not until the end of September. It’s tough, and it has only been 6 days since he left…
Many of you who have been through a partner or family member leaving for BMT may think that this is a little dramatic, to be writing about this when it will be over soon enough and things will surely get back to normal; if not better than normal. You’re right. This blog is really to share my experience of a relationship that has brought me so many new experiences and so many new findings in my life and how his current career has made me had to be with myself, alone, to think about EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. I have not only traveled -and will surely continue to- and found someone I wish to spend the rest of my life with, but I have found that life and love and relationships are so precious.
For now, I just want to say that I am coping. I will continue to spend my time distracting myself out of thinking about him and his ass being whipped in BMT; despite this being pretty impossible. Recently, my mind has been a confusing and conflicted place. I am easily brought near to tears at the thought of what I would be doing right now instead of typing up this; I would be calling my partner and we would be talking about anything or even just sat in silence but he would still be there. These things sound so good to me and they are so trivial. I’m making this sound like he is dead, he’s not. And honestly, I have no idea what people might want to hear from me, and from my experiences. I’ll tell you all about it though.
If I were to finish this the way my mind wants me to I would tell you how I feel like Cecilia in Atonement when she wills Robbie to “come back” to her. I would also ask anyone who is reading this if they know how to make the next 47 days come by super fast?????
Okay, well, that’s all I have to say for now. I’ll keep you posted.